By Toscana Navas, LPC
This question has always been present in my daily work with clients who are struggling to decide to stay or leave a relationship, and this is often when they ultimately end up seeking therapy and support to make the right choice. There is no cookie cutter manner in which to determine the best scenario, or if it’s worth it to work on the relationship or not, but I will tell you one of the most common scenarios I face when working with couples or individuals.
Narcissism
Nowadays, narcissism is a very common word used on social media. Many people don't know that this is not just the presence of a trait, but can also be a personality disorder. Narcissistic individuals are on a spectrum, from having personality traits into the aforementioned complete personality disorder diagnosis.
Narcissists can be often charming and wonderful, attracting many people, since they actually always seek to win the approval from others, and they also exhibit selfishness and are self-centered. It has been found that around 90% of the population that suffers from narcissism is male (Source - Walter Riso).
Gas Lighting
The term 'gaslighting' comes from a movie called 'Gaslit' released in 1944 that narrates the story of a couple. The male is constantly questioning his partner, the female, to the point where she thinks she will lose her mind. This term has become popular nowadays and has been incorporated into pop culture, and thus, within therapists' offices nationwide.
Gaslighting now reflects the tendency to make people believe that their experiences did not happen, or that they happened in a different way, often exaggerating and/or minimizing aspects of that individual's reality.
One example of gaslighting I find commonly is “you need to calm down” when the person is experiencing a crisis, tragedy, or anxiety, minimizing their problems. Gaslighting is commonly used by narcissists, but not exclusively.
Dependency/Codependency
I find the scenario of a narcissist partner with a dependent partner. Often, women have a higher tendency to experience this dependency. Dependency is characterized by a lack of independence or self-reliance to live life. Dependent people tend to be passive, and they cannot make their own choices. They also try to satisfy others as much as they can, so they will never be left since there is often a terrible fear of abandonment. They will stand mistreatment, gaslighting and more to save their relationship.
The 3 Red Flags
As soon as I see these previous factors manifesting, it's obvious that I am in the presence of a toxic relationship. It is very important to understand that the narcissist is not looking for love, they are looking for fans. The dependent partner often feels guilty since it believes what their partner seeks is love. The dependent partner will do anything for them, into the point of ceasing to exist as an autonomous being. I have observed how the dependent partner does not have friends, hobbies or autonomy in the relationship when making decisions, because their partner’s approval is very important, and they only exist through the eyes of the other. The dependent and controlled partner often feels like they cannot be free to go where they want or do what they want because every decision will be examined by their partner. They will always feel like they are giving a lot and not receiving the same things in return, making them feel depleted.
Seeking Help
If you feel like you or someone you love is going through a situation like this, it is important to find the right help through therapy services or by seeking help from your spiritual or religious advisor. Therapy can be helpful to identify the root cause of these issues, and both partners need to be involved in couples counseling and/or individual therapy as well, depending on the case.
If interested in seeking support, call Tree of Life Counseling to book a consultation for couples' or individual therapy today.
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