By Reem Abdo-Pitre, LPC
As a therapist, and as a person, I often hear people talking about not feeling “queer enough”. People tend to describe this in the context of not presenting in a certain way that they see other people in the queer community presenting. It can lead to feeling like they don't belong in certain spaces, because their relationships don't outwardly match what they think is expected, or because they think their interests don't match a certain expectation.
If you're catching a theme of “matching expectations” -Ding Ding Ding!
Oftentimes, we create boxes of what we think we need to present to the world, even within the queer community.
I invite you to challenge that. Queer folk throughout history fought for freedoms to exist outside of expectations and this is exactly why.
There is no “bar” you need to hit when it comes to queerness. If you are exploring your sexual/gender identity or expression I encourage you to recognize that it doesn’t HAVE to look a certain way for it to be valid. It’s important to find the most authentic version of yourself . That (and all the awkward, uncomfortable steps in-between) are all valid forms of queerness.
I have heard those who are in “straight passing” relationships invalidate their queerness. This tends to be rooted in Bi-phobia. Although not as prominent as it historically has been, we now feel it echoing in society still. Whatever your relationship looks like, it does not discredit who you are as an individual. We often minimize ourselves because of the fears we hold - but celebrate who you are, regardless of what the world sees!
Being Transmasc, I’ve felt and seen others feel many spectrums of “not queer enough”. Whether it is because they feel like they “don't pass enough,” or “pass too well,” or are gender fluid/non binary and are perceived in ways that do not align with who they are. [Passing describes the common sentiment that those who are trans socially present as their gender].
We do not exist in the realm of “too much” “too little” or “not quite right”- we aren’t bowls of soup for a Goldilocks to find “Just right”; we are individuals who think, and feel, and move through the world.
Folks who are starting their gender/sexual exploration can often feel this way too.
Whether you are a teen who’s starting to understand the ways they feel most comfortable in the world, newly divorced realizing that your relationship may not have matched your identity, or if you have an established life and are now exploring gender affirming care. There is no right or wrong time to explore who you are!
Your take away from this should be that your most authentic self is just that-authentic. Which at no point excludes you from being “queer enough”. Your existence is unique, yours, and beautiful. Which categorically never makes you “Not queer enough!”
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